Lady suit: I can't keep coming here to get my prescription filled. They're beginning to recognize me.
Suit: So what?
Lady suit: So, what if I get in trouble?
Suit: Why would you get in trouble? You have a prescription from a doctor.
Lady suit: If you say so. Oh, shit, I forgot to put the date on this.

--Duane Reade, 89th & Columbus
Posted 2/8/07

-

JAP on cell: So, I met up with him, and he asked me if I was anorexic! I was like, 'No, but thanks for noticing!' He got all mad, though. I think his sister died of anorexia or something. Whatever, at least I know I look great.

--88th & Park
Posted 2/7/07

Teen girl #1: This is so, just, like, sad and depressing.
Teen girl #2: Yeah, I know. Do they have, like, a gift shop or something here?

--Ground Zero

Posted 2007-02-02

-

Drunk guy: Come eat this pizza! It's the best fucking pizza in the city. Best fucking pizza in the city. I fucking guarantee it. Fucking best pizza. Good choice, ma'am. This is the best fucking pizza in the city.  [Passerby goes in, exits 10 minutes later.]  God, I have no idea what I'm going to do with my life.

--Bleecker & Sullivan

Posted 2007-01-31

June, 2006

An ice cream truck is going up the street.

Little girl in wagon: Daddy, that truck song is annoying.
Hipster dad: Yes, the commodification of your desires is annoying, isn't it?

--Bedford & N 10th


Girl #1: But, like, why do all the gay guys have to be so hot?
Girl #2: I know. At least all the lesbians are ugly!

--Times Square


Boy: Mommy, is make-up just for girls?
Mom: Make-up is for girls and really fabulous boys.

--Eckerd, Rockaway Blvd & Liberty Ave, Ozone Park


Guy: You're married, right?
Woman: Yes.
Guy: I'm too black and ugly for you anyways, right?

--Park Avenue


Large black man on cell: So, I figured out what happened. Ebony was at the drug house with the first lesbian, but then that other lesbian that she stole two dollars from came. So that's where you came in. And....hey? Are you there? Mom? Mom?

--Penn Station


Guido kid: I wish that dad was here.
Guido kid's mom: I do too, because the fat fuck owes me a thousand dollars

--Penn Station, NJ Transit


Production assistant: Lindsay, we need you right away.
Lindsay Lohan: Oh my God! Don't talk to me like I'm some kind of normal person!

--7th Ave & 9th St


Girl: So did you ask your mom if you can go to the party or not?
Guy: Oh yeah! She said yes. But she made me promise to not come home this time with no pants on.
Girl: Seems fair.

--Rite Aid, Lex Ave


Black guy: ...And I will strike down upon thee with great vengeance and furious anger those who would attempt to poison and destroy my brothers. And you will know my name is the Lord when I lay my vengeance upon thee.
White guy: Are you trying to mug me or what?

--7 train, 74th St Roosevelt


Woman #1: Ma'am, could you please move your bag so I could sit down?
Woman #2: No, can't you see I'm busy, bitch? And I'm not movin this fuckin' thing. It's heavy and I don't want to pick it up again! Sit somewhere else.

She goes back to reading Jesus and Mary: The Key to Divine Love and Inner Peace.

--149th St station downtown platform


Guy #1: Is it disgusting that I think pregnant women are sexy?
Guy #2: Not necessarily.
Guy #1: Like that woman there. That round belly makes me want to come all over her face.
Guy #2: Okay, that is disgusting.

--Trader Joe's, 14th St


Guy #1: So when I started telling him my feelings on the Iraq war, he rolled over to me in his wheelchair and started cursing me out. He was going on about his time in Vietnam and how there are things about war I'll never understand.
Guy #2: That sucks.
Guy #1: I was like, "Whoa. You're my shrink! I'm paying you to listen to me!"
Guy #2: Seriously.
Guy #1: Well, at least the co-pay was only $15. But anyway, I'm definitely not going back to him.

--Von, Bleecker & Elizabeth


Woman: Damn, that Mexican is hungry.
Mexican with 10 bags: I'm the delivery boy, you dumb fuck.

--100th & Broadway

May 25, 2006

Girl on cell: Seriously George, I gained twenty pounds while I was in LA, and now every black guy in the city can't stop talking to me about my ass!
Guy slowly driving by and waving out window: Oooh girl, you so fiiiine...you gorgeous.
Girl on cell: Jesus Christ! There's another one! I've gotta call you back, I'm going to the gym.

--Broadway & Bleeker



May 24, 2006

Woman on cell: I'm not a HOOKER! I'm a PROSTITUTE you piece of shit fuck!

--In front of Barnes & Noble, Union Square North


Little boy to duck: Uh, what the fuck, dude?

--Harlem Meer, Central Park


White girl: Yeah, they're actually adults. They just look like children because, you know, they're Asian.

--Asian Pacific American Heritage Festival, Union Square



May 23, 2006

Husband: The male hybrids seem to want to breed but the females aren't interested, they just sit there and make no attempt to communicate with their peer group.
Wife: Are you being condescending? I sometimes think....I feel you're being condescending, especially when you talk about the hybrids....
Daughter starts to cry.
Husband: This is never constructive. We'll continue this later.

--7th Ave & 9th St, Park Slope


Kid: Daddy! Daddy! Can I give you a wedgie?
Father: If you do I won't feed you for a week
Cashier laughs.
Father: At least he asked this time... Usually he just does it

--Walgreens, Manhattan


Girl #1: You think if I set up a gay couple I'll go to hell?
Girl #2: Oh, totally.

--L train


Girl #1: Hey are you going to go see The Da Vinci Code?
Girl #2: Yes! My pastor said it was alright as long as I watched The Passion of the Christ right after.

--Midwood High School


Guy: Thanks, ma'am.
Teenage cashier: Did he just call me "ma'am?"? Do I look like a ma'am? I don't look that old, do I?
Guy: No, no; "ma'am" is a sign of respect, not age.
Teenage cashier: Okay, then.
Guy: Uh, thanks, hot mama.
Teenage cashier: Did he just call me "hot mama"?

--Gourmet Garage, Broadway



May 22, 2006

Guy #1: I wouldn't have sex with her. I love my penis too much.
Guy #2: You said that kinda loud.
Guy #1: Don't worry, there's no Overheard in New Jersey.

--Port Authority Bus Terminal


Crazy lady: Where would we be without Mexicans? You are a very hard-working people.
Mexican, working the register, nods.
Crazy lady: All the time I see your people working.
Mexican nods.
Crazy lady: Like no other.
Mexican nods.
Crazy lady leaves.
Mexican, to no one in particular: Soy de El Salvador.

--Strokos Pizza


Girl #1: So the entire time i'm watching this movie, I'm like, what is the Holy Grail? They never explain what it is. And I'm thinking it's probably like, some kind of trophy or something...? Like maybe a fashion trophy...? Or something...?
Girl #2: Uh huh.
Girl #1: Yeah but no, it turns it out it actually has to do with like, Jesus Christ and Mary Magdalene or something.
Girl #2: So it was like... Jesus's trophy?

--H&M dressing room, 5th Ave



May 21, 2006

Guy: You have to accept the lord Jesus Christ into your soul! The Gospel says that if you don't accept the lord, you will burn in hell! Hear my words and heed my warnings! The lord will take vengance upon your defiance!
Woman: Here's a quarter! Shut the fuck up!

--Union Square


Twentysomething guy at urinal #1: Damn, some of the girls getting trashed here are only in high school!
Twentysomething guy at urinal #2: Yeah, I'm glad I didn't bring my wife.

--114th & Broadway


Stoner #1: I dare you to snort this pixie stick.
Stoner #2: But I only have a five dollar bill.
Stoner #1: So, what's the problem?
Stoner #2: Dude, you can't snort with a five dollar bill. That's just wrong. It has to be at least a twenty. God, have some dignity.

--Stuyvesant High School


Woman: *sneeze*
Man on street: God bless you.
Woman: You need to shave. You look fucking hideous.

--Grand St & Graham Ave, Williamsburg


Guy on cell: Yeah, I spoke to Jack Black about it... right, yeah. I think he'll do just about anything at this point. [pause] Jack Black. Jack Black. [pause] Oh, Jack White. Jack Black is the comedian. Yeah.

--Starbucks, 51st & Broadway


Guy #1: What's a clamato? Isn't that a type of tomato? Tastes like a tomato.
Guy #2: It's a clam and a tomato.
Guy #1: No... Really?
Guy #3: Yeah. It's a combination of two words... you know, like dumbass!

--Union Suare



May 20, 2006

Ghetto high school girl #1: Gimme the camera!
Ghetto high school girl #2: Noooo! I need to take a picture for myspace. You know what that means!
Ghetto high school girl #1: What?
Ghetto high school girl #2: I gotta look cute! But it has to look normal, like I'm not posing.
Ghetto high school girl #1 grabs the camera and whacks girl #2 on the head. She snaps a photo.
Ghetto high school girl #2: What the fuck bitch!?
Ghetto high school girl #1: [looking at the camera] Oh my god! It's such a cuuuuuuuuuute picture!
Ghetto high school girl #2: Oh my god! I'm sooooo cute.

--Starbucks, 17th & Union Square W



May 19, 2006

Queer: Who's Joey Ramone?
Hipster girl: Oh my God, are you kidding me?
Queer: Uh, no. Who is he?
Hipster girl: He's a singer! He was like, in some huge band in the '80s!
Queer: What band?
Hipster girl: Um...
Queer: See? You don't know who the hell he is either. You don't even know what band he was in.
Hipster girl: It's on the tip of my tongue...
Queer: Sure.
Hipster girl: Oh well, I can't think of it. I think he's dead now anyway. Who cares.

--Irving Plaza


Conductor: Okay, okay...all you white people get off the train here. That's right, hippies and hipsters. If you under thirty-five and white, you don't want to stay on this train no mo'. The next stop will be the ghet-to!

--Flatbush-bound 2 express train at Eastern Parkway/Brooklyn Museum



May 18, 2006

Girl #1: So when was your first kiss?
Girl #2: My 17th birthday.
Girl #1: How about your first time making out?
Girl #2: Also my 17th birthday.
Girl #1: ...first blowjob?
Girl #2: This is awkward. 17th birthday, again.
Girl #1: How about when you lost your virginity?
Girl #2: 17th.
Girl #1: How about the first time you --
Girl #2: I know what you're about to ask, and the answer is "my 17th birthday" again.
Girl #1: God damn! What the hell did you do for your 18th birthday?

--R train


Guy #1: So what should we get him for his birthday?
Guy #2: I don't know....what about a menorah?
Guy #1: What? But it's not Hannukah.
Guy #2: Yeah, but he's Jewish. And his room is dark.

--Union Square

May 17, 2006

Guy on cell being way too loud at 1AM: Yo! I'm on Avenue M as in motherfucker!

--Avenue M & E 17 St, Brooklyn


Nerdy high school girl: I got a B+ on my freaking Holocaust essay. How gay is that?

--Q17 bus, Flushing

May 17, 2006

Skinny white teenage boy, pointing to a T-shirt that says New York Fucking City:

Yo mom. I want this shirt in the biggest size they have.

--Times Square

Overheard by: Allisa



Mom on cell with son: Listen, you get home now, you only thirteen and you be fuckin' all them bitches.

--Herald Square



Guy on cell: No! For the last time, you gotta set it on fire after you put it on his doorstep. [To friend] God, fucking kids these days.

--22nd & 6th

May 15, 2006


Rasta steel drum guy: This next song is about the comin' of the Messiah.
Jewish woman: Yeah! We're still waiting!

--Battery Park


Looking at the Dove ad campaign showing Hanna-Barbera characters with new hairdos:

Kid #1: Yo, look at that Jetsons mom's hair.
Kid #2: What's the Jetsons?
Kid #1: You don't know the Jetsons? Dem's those niggas that live in space.

--N train going uptown


Hobo: Hey girl, wanna marry me?
Girl: [whispering] No, sorry.
Hobo: YES OR NO? Damnit, I don't have forever.

--38th & 8th

(for Kelly)

May 10, 2006

Woman sitting on bench with small dog on lap: You know that no matter what you do, I will always love you, right?

--1st & 87th

May 09, 2006

Girl #1: Hi...What are you drinking?
Girl #2: Hi. It's rum and cranberry.
Girl #1: Are you single?
Girl #2: Yeah
Girl #1: I love my boyfriend...but sometimes I just wanna fuck other people.

Girl #2 just stares at Girl 1.

Girl #1: Have you ever been in love?
Girl #2: Yeah
Girl #1: Didn't you ever just wanna fuck other people?
Girl #2: Umm...no. Not when I was with him. You might have a problem.
Girl #1: Wanna go to the bathroom?
Girl #2: Definitely not.

--The Hairy Monk

May 04, 2006

Guy #1: Man, I am so done with her.
Guy #2: Really?
Guy #1: Yeah. I woke up one morning and looked at her and I knew I was done. Next contestant on my fuck show please.

--55th & 9th

April 24, 2006

Girl: Are you a conservative or a liberal?
Guy: I know all teenagers are supposed to be liberal, but I'm pretty conservative.
Girl: Oh my god, I know exactly what you mean. I was conservative until last week when I saw V for Vendetta. How hot is Natalie Portman?

--Bronx High School of Science

January 04, 2006

Queer: You know what I completely forgot people worry about? Getting pregnant.

--The Slide, Bowery


Girl on cell: Maybe we should just get her a vibrator that says "I Love New York" and kill two birds with one stone.

--Canal & Mulberry


Woman on cell: Oh, shit...We really need to order more dildos.

--Astor Place


Guy: Dude, I'm not allergic to cats when I'm drunk.

--PATH train


Woman: You know, I haven't gone more than 3 days without a drink since I was 13...I wanna see what it's like.

--Odessa, Avenue A


Woman: Well, it's time for me to catch up on my alcohol.

--New York City Center, West 55th Street


Tourist dad: Well, they could at least give you a "You Are Here" on this thing.

--F train


Security guy: I made that.

--MoMA


Girl: I think I would have liked this place better before when it had the real whores and druggies rather the current corporate whores and mindless drones.

--Times Square


Woman: I'm not a racist! I live on the Upper West Side!

--23rd between 8th & 9th


Man: We were in the club and I went to the bathroom and there was a girl next to me at the urinal. She said, "Stop staring!" I said, "You're in the men's room, I'll stare all I want."

--14th & 6th


Girl: ...and so I said to myself, "Suzanne, you have a communist living in your house. The only thing that you're going to be eating is rice!"

--Union Square


Old man: And why do people think that just because they're Portuguese they can go in your refrigerator and eat all your hot dogs?

--1 train


Girl: And I seriously had always thought chicken nuggets were made out of beef!

--Brooklyn Tech, Fort Greene


Hobo: Hey, hey you, I'll trade you this hot dog for that bunny.

--Bowery & Grand


Woman: I always thought the Purple Pieman was Satan. Isn't that one of his many names?

--K-mart, West 34th Street


Dude: I hate the fucking Mormons. You drink alcohol, you go to Hell; premarital sex: Hell; everything you do: Hell, Hell, Hell.

--4th & Bowery


Girl: What? What are you talking about? I'm a traditional Catholic! I'm like one of the first Catholics to ever exist!

--91st & Broadway


Girl: I just have to keep reminding myself: God won't care if I get an F.

--Columbia University


Old woman: Oh my, it's so easy to get high here!

--Fourth Universalist Society, Central Park West


JAP: I like, didn't even know I had a middle name until my bat-mitzvah.

--53rd & 8th


Girl on cell: ...No! You're not the Pink Princess! You're just the regular Princess!...Well, how about the Purple Princess? She can be purple...God, I don't even feel like a Princess anymore...

--Palladium Residence elevator, East 14th Street


Woman: Are you that fat you can't feel your phone vibrating?

--Duane Reade, Astoria


Queer on cell: What? He got fat? He was so hot!...Oh, he stopped doing crystal? Figures...Is he still interested in you? But he was so hot when he was doing crystal.

--51st & 9th


Bag lady: Come here! Come here, you fuckin' bitch! Are you too good to
give your fucking wife a hug? Come here, fucking bitch!

--23rd & Madison


January 03, 2006

Guy #1: Tomorrow is my 10th wedding anniversary.
Guy #2: Oh yeah, what are you going to do?
Guy #1: I'm going to buy a new belt and beat my wife with it.

--Office, 28th & Park


Girl: Why do they have to be so rude here?
Guy: I feel like I've been gang raped with a 12 inch loaf.

--Subway, Rockefeller Center concourse


Dude #1: But I really want to go to Arabia.
Dude #2: Nice.
Dude #1: Like Iran or some shit like that...I want to do those Arabian countries.
Dude #2: Ha! And have some Arabian night.
Dude #1: Fuck, yeah. But shit, I really need some Diesel jeans.

--Union Square

January 02, 2006

Man: You know my name. What is my name?
Little girl: Daddy.
Man: Then why are you hitting me in the face?

--M14 bus


Hobo: Hey, I'm not selling candy for the basketball team. I'm not selling candy for the football team. I'm not selling candy for the afterschool program. In fact, I'm not selling anything. I just want your money so I can buy pot and beer and crack. And Viagara. I hear you need Viagara when you're on the crack...Hi, miss. You have the prettiest eyes I've seen in 20 minutes...You, no! Get out. I am working this car. Get out. No candy!

--5 train


January 01, 2006
Hobo: Excuse me, miss, can I have a kiss?
Girl #1: Um, no. I have to go. Bye!
Hobo: Well, what about your friend?
Girl #2: ...No. What am I to you, next in line?

--99th & Amsterdam


Professor guy: And who was Sadat?
Chick: Leader of Egypt?
Professor: And what was he doing in 1981?
Chick: Being assassinated?

--Columbia University


Girl #1: Wow, your outfits are so cool.
Girl #2: Thanks!
Girl #1: Do you have any more glow bracelets?
Girl #2: Yeah, a lot
Girl #1: Can I have one?
Girl #2: No.
Girl #1: Oh...So before when I said your outfits were cool: I was totally lying.

--Joshua Tree ladies' room, 3rd Avenue


Guy: I guess "not funny" is the new "funny".

--Comedy Cellar, Macdougal Street


December 31, 2005

Doorman #1: You know what I get to do with her? Besides cuddle, I mean. You know what I do?
Doorman #2: What?
Doorman #1: I get to expose my penis to her.

--43rd & 5th


Girl #1: ...It's so scary how time flies.
Girl #2: You know what's even scarier than that?
Girl #1: What?
Girl #2: AIDS.

--68th & Broadway


Guy: So...did you make any resolutions for the new year?
Girl: Ummm...I had one...but...I forgot it.
Guy: You forgot it? How do you expect to follow through on it if you already forgot it before the new year even starts?
Girl: I think it had something to do with me being neurotic.

--Bamiyan, East 26th Street


Crazy guy: 3 fucking white kids talking to a chink.
Chick #1: Little does he know that's not the most offensive thing we've heard tonight.
Chick #2: Yeah, by comparison it was politically correct.
Chick #1: Yeah, it was kinda a relief.

--4 train


Woman: They need to play more Rufus Wainwright. I only hear him on WFUV.
Man: Don't you mean W-G-A-Y?
Woman: Oh, that was tactful.

--Spade's Noodles, Rice & More, 3rd Avenue


Dad: Is that him?
Little boy: Mm-hmm.
Dad: Well? Do something about it...chicken!

--G train


Mom: Who do you think is going to be waiting for you in your bed when you get home?
Little boy: Daddy.
Mom: No, I mean...Who do you think is going to be waiting and meowing when you see him?
Little boy: Daddy.

--JFK


MC guy: Okay everyone, I need a verb!
Girl: Crysturbate!
MC guy: Cry...what?
Girl: It's like, when you're sad and you masturbate!

--Kimmel Center, Washington Square South


December 30, 2005

Girl: Can you press 8, please?

(the scent of hannukah latkes fills the elevator)

Girl: Smells like Judaism here.

--Elevator, Columbus between 95th & 96th


Dude #1: So it's either lots of bran every day, or just wake up to a cigarette and coffee. Works for me every time.
Dude #2: So there's a health benefit to your vices, huh?
Dude #1: I guess so.
Dude #2: I wonder if gay guys have good shits. Maybe that's a benefit of anal sex.
Dude #1: I'll stick to cigarettes and coffee, thanks.

--Starbucks, Brooklyn Heights


December 29, 2005

Drunk guy: Here's hoping you're in Heaven ten minutes before the devil knows you're dead.
Drunk girl: What's that mean?
Drunk guy: It's an Irish toast.
Drunk girl: Oh. Well, here's to bread, eggs and cinnamon.
Drunk guy: Huh?
Drunk girl: That's French toast.

--Stoned Crow, Washington Place


Guy: Hey, they have some with a vibrating cock ring!
Girl: Our sex life is complicated enough already.
Guy: But you know how I love little electronic gadgets.
Girl: I'll buy you an iPod.

--Duane Reade, 7th Street & 6th Avenue

December 25, 2005

Charity mugger: Hey! My name's Lisa and I'd like to talk to you about donating to North Shore Animal League--
Guy: Let me be honest, Lisa. I work in customer service. That means for 8 hours a day, I have to be polite to everyone I speak with and this is my lunch hour. It's the one hour of my day where I'm not forced to be nice. I'm sure you're a nice girl, but why don't you fuck off?

--Broadway & Pine


A suit on his cell accidentally bumps into a drunk girl on the LIRR platform.

Drunk girl: Why don't you say "excuse me!" What the fuck? Just say "excuse me!".

He ignores her and continues to talk on his cell. The drunk girl dumps a cup of water on his crotch. He doesn't flinch.

Drunk girl: Yeah, bitch! Next time say "excuse me", and maybe your crotch won't be wet!

He finishes his conversation and gets on the train.

--Penn Station


Old man: Is this bench for young people or old people? Because I only sit with the young.
Woman: It's for everyone.
Old man: Well, since it's Christmastime, I'll sit with you.

--Roosevelt Island station


Old lady #1: Even when they say "happy holidays" to me, I say "merry Christmas" back.
Old lady #2: Good for you.

--34th & 7th


Hipster guy: Hey, can you wrap that?
Cashier guy: Sure.
Hipster guy: Do you have any funny wrapping paper that says stuff like "Sorry your dad died" or something?
Cashier guy: Uh...no.
Hipster guy: Oh, damn. Well, do you have anything funny or weird or something?
Cashier guy: Well, we have one with little kids riding big flying books through clouds shaped like cute little animals.
Hipster guy: Yeah, no, I don't think that will work. I don't need to wrap it, right?
Cashier guy: Uh...I guess not.
Hipster guy: I just wanted it to be special and funny, and like ironic.
Cashier guy: Well, you can urinate on it. That would be really special and downright hilarious.
Hipster guy: Uh....okay, I'll get the flying books paper.

--Barnes & Noble, 6th Avenue & 8th Street


Man #1: You can tell she loves her son.
Man #2: Who?
Man #1: Mary.
Man #2: Mary who?
Man #1: There.
Man #2: ...George, that's a painting of Mary and Jesus. Of course she loves her son.

--The Met


Hobo: Jesus is our savior! Worship him, he's done good things for us! He is the son of God!
Man: Sorry, what was that name again?
Hobo: Jesus! Jesus our savior!
Man: Oh, Jesus Christ?
Hobo: Yes, Jesus Christ.
Man: Oh, okay.

--A train


Lady #1: Can you move?
Lady #2: I ain't movin' my cart! You shoulda waited for the next fucking train!
Lady #1: What? Do you care more about people or your cart?
Lady #2: Ma cart, bitch!
Lady #1: ...No, you are the bitch!
Lady #2: That's right, you da bitch!
Lady #1: This is my first train ride, this is fun!...And I learned a new word!
Man: Happy holidays, everyone!

--1 train


Woman #1: So she says, "I don't want to celebrate Christmas."
Woman #2: What, she worships the Devil now?
Woman #1: Yeah, I think so.

-Surprise Surprise, 3rd Avenue


December 24, 2005

Store guy: Welcome to K-mart! Happy Holidays! Merry Christmas!
Woman: Yeah, whatever. Um, where do you have the rat poison?

--K-mart, East 8th Street


Chick #1: Ohio is way different. Nobody walks anywhere, we all drive cars.
Chick #2: Oh yeah. Cars be expensive. I work 3 jobs right now.
Chick #1: Ha, ha...really?
Chick #2: I work at Macy's, McDonalds, I babysit, and my dad has a
business that I have to help run because he is so damn drunk.

--R train


Girl #1: I refuse to take a Women's Studies class and lower my morals.
Girl #2: I have a friend in that class, he's one of 2 guys in there; the rest are all man-haters.
Girl #3: I hear the only way to get an A is to come out during class, or say how you were abused as a child. I'll stand up in class and say, "I live with my boyfriend but I'm a lesbian; can I have my A now?"

--Pace Unversity

-

(it's like this guy is totally stealing material from Bogosian)

December 23, 2005

Suit #1: You did a helluva job in that meeting.
Suit #2: It gives me a hardon when you say that, John. It gives me a hardon.

--51st & 6th

-


(The story of my life)

December 23, 2005

Dude: Excuse me, do you work here?
Security guy: Not really, but what do you need?

--Beacon Theatre, 74th & Broadway

December 23, 2005

Speaker: Hello
Guy : We've been waiting for like an hour. Any trains coming?
Speaker: Hold on, let me see...Hello, anyone there?
Guy: Yeah, we're here. There any trains coming?
Speaker: There's an police investigation at Broadway. I think someone got pushed onto the tracks and run over.
Guy: But are there any trains coming?

--2nd Avenue station


Professor guy: ...Then he was sent to Buchenwald. Have any of you visited any of the camps?
Girl: I did.
Professor guy: Yeah? Did you visit Buchenwald?
Girl: No.
Professor guy: Did you visit one in Germany?
Girl: No.
Professor guy: Did you visit one in Europe?
Girl: No, it was in America.
Professor guy: Are you talking about a summer camp?
Girl: Yeah.

--Fordham University, Rose Hill


Girl #1: So he was like, "We found out you're allergic to yeast." And I asked, "Is that why I keep getting yeast infections?" And he goes, "No, you probably just need to be more hygenic after having intercourse."
Girl #2: Oh my god.
Girl #1: Yeah, I know. So I was like, "WTF, man? I clean my cunt!"
Girl #2: Wait, why'd you say "WTF"?
Girl #1: Because saying "fuck" would be rude.

--6 train


Conductor: If you see someone trying to steal from you, make a lot of noise, create a big scene, and I'm sure someone will come to your aid.
Man: Clearly this guy is not from New York.

--A train


December 22, 2005

Girl #1: So Becca's gonna drive to California from here?
Girl #2: Nope, she's taking a plane.
Girl #3: Ha, ha! Yeah, duh! Wow, you're stupid! How could you drive across the ocean?

--LaGuardia, Amsterdam Avenue


Guy: God damn it! Where were you? I waited an hour for you to show up! Were you on a coffee break or what?
Bus driver: Sir, that's not possible, the lead bus was only ten minutes ahead of me. I watched him pull out of the depot.
Guy: Screw you! You guys are the real terrorists! You're what Homeland Security is trying to protect us against!

--Staten Island Ferry Terminal, Staten Island


Woman: Maybe a taxi will stop for us cause I'm pretty.

--30th & 7th


Man: Well, at least we don't have to walk very far to work. I feel sorry for all the people like nurses who still have to work and have to get up like 4 hours earlier.
Woman: I just hope the Korean lady makes it to the salon. It's moustache day.
Man: Moustache day?
Woman: Yeah, the day my moustache gets waxed. Very important.

--Madison Square Park


Girl: So okay, it's a transit strike, there's gotta be some good that comes out of it. Like, they should use the time to get down there and
fix everything. And clean up the rats and the garbage.
Guy: ...Who do you think is gonna do that? Transit workers, right?
Girl: Yeah!...Oh.

--Fort Greene


Girl #1: Oh, thank God they have that there. As if I really thought I was getting on the E train.
Grl #2: Well, some people might not know.
Girl #1: Bullshit. That is fucking gay.

--23rd & 6th


Hipster girl: I can't believe this. Even with the strike, I have to call in and pretend to be telecommuting.
Hipster guy: Hey! I have to pretend to be academic.
Hipster girl: I have to fake accounting numbers.
Hipster guy: I have to feign interest in boring topics and then pretend I know enough about them to say something of interest.

--Williamsburg


Old lady: Can you put that cigarette out before you burn someone?
Chick: No way, the transit strike isn't going to stop me from
smoking...Can you believe her? Complaining just because she thought I was going to burn her fur coat. If anybody should have been complaining it should have been the woman in front of me whose face I just blew smoke in.

--31st between 7th & 8th


Dude: Yo did you know that the new Pope wears Prada shoes and Gucci sunglasses?
Chick: Really? Isn't he not supposed to be vain? Probably all given for free, that lucky fuck.

--6 train


Vendor guy: Just buy it! Come on...
Tourist guy: Chill out, we're thinking.
Vendor guy: All right, all right. Half price? All right? Half price, now will ya just buy it?
Tourist guy: Half? How come?
Vendor guy: Because it's fucking 30 degrees, man, it's cold, I wanna
go home! Buy it!

--Whitehall & State


Queer: Excuse me, ma'am?
Chick: Yes?
Queer: Um, girl, it's time for some new Uggs. I felt it was my gift to society to tell you.
Chick: Dude, put your fag card down and start worrying about something else.

--Spring & Mercer


Businessguy #1 If I were gay I would change my name to Paul.
Businessguy #2: Why Paul? I would go with something more Latin.

--A train


Man #1: I dunno, Richard Pryor was too...gross for me.
Man #2: Oh yeah?
Man #1: Yeah...Pretty good for a guy that did a lot of drugs, though.
Man #2: Yeah.
Man #1: You know what I just found out? Hunter Thompson did a lot of drugs, too.
Man #2: Really?
Man #1: Apparently.

--Associated Supermarker, Bleecker Street


The man was white, wearing a punk leather jacket and a beret like Saddam Hussein, and had a goatee. He stands up and says: I like Eminem 'cause he can talk his way out of trouble in the black neighborhoods. You've herd of oreos, black on the outside, white on the inside? Well I'm a chocolate chip cookie, and I'll take a toll on your house!

-

Man: Wake the fuck up, America! France pronounces its words better than us, even in their rap music!

--A train



December 21, 2005

Girl on cell: So, you know, I was just lying there, like with my face to the wall and stuff and he just whips out his dick and starts hitting me in the back of the head with it.

--Washington Square Park


Woman on cell: Sometimes I just want him to take her and sodomize her!

--Union Square


Guy: Trust me, I would much rather be inside you than inside this bar.

--Plan B, East 10th Street


Drunk guy: Honey, I don't have the energy to bang you and beat you at the same time.

--Doc Holliday's, Avenue A


Black guy: Damn girl, my cock will bisect you.

--4 train


Woman: I'm getting tired of his shit. I think I'm going to show up at his anger management classes and just act all hysterical.

--Staten Island Ferry Terminal, Staten Island


Guy: "What the hell is my problem?" What the hell is my problem? That is like if I took a big shit on your head, and you had shit running all down your face, and I asked you, "What the hell is your problem?"

--86th & Columbus


Man: No, I'm not gonna waste my unlimited minutes on her.

--The Gap, 34th & 6th


Gangsta: Fuck you, bitch. You're not even a bitch; you'se like my ho's bitch.

--L train


Man: She thought I was just another scientific bum, loser from the hood! I'm tired of all these pretty ladies passing me by in between 37th and 42nd Street! Like that one! I'm tired of being a victim. You're all economicists!

--36th & 8th


Guy: If I ever beat my kids during Christmas, this is the song I'd play.

--Ulysses, Pearl Street


Drunk Santa: Everybody stand back! Santa is gaseous!

--Macdougal & West 3rd


Loudspeaker: Mr. Kris Kringle please come to the ticket counter. Mr. Kris Kringle.

--Penn Station


UPS man on cell: So tell my aunt I'm gonna be late to da house for dinner, I gotta go to a Christmas party and bag this fuckin' shorty!

--Elevator, 37th & 8th


Guy on cell: Decorations? What do you need decorations for? You're not Jewish...What? You converted? Well, I would congratulate you if I didn't already have so many Jew friends.

--Grove & Bedford


Hipster guy: I made a snow penis, but someone knocked it over.

--Union Square


Dad: Ooh, look at Grandma! She got a snowball in the face!

--15th between 6th & 7th


Woman: I am so over Shakespeare.

--Barnes & Noble, 22nd & 6th


Girl: Well, I got the same grade as I got on my last paper, but I wrote this one when I was drunk.

--John Jay dining hall, Columbia University


Teen boy: What does off-off-Broadway mean? I know Broadway means that you bought the tickets in person and off-Broadway means you bought them online, but what is off-off-Broadway?

--4 Train


Guy: I said, "What do I need a sword for? I'm going to math class!"

--Office, 55th & Park


Guy: He said, "Yeah, I'm gonna start reading inspirational books" and the girl next to me says, "Oh, like the Bible?" and I turned to her and I was like, "No, bitch! What are you talking about?"

--Columbia University bookstore


Mom: You know what I found out today? You don't gotta go to school. I could teach you, right at home. I don't need a license or nothin'.

--1 train


Girl: You've got to stop pluralizing! You text message me and you're all, like, "I gots to talk to you about stuffs." It's "stuff," not "stuffs." Just stop pluralizing and learn Een-ga-lish!

--1 train


Guy: So, yeah, she's going to graduate early, and go right into a life of indentured sexual servitude.

--Columbia University


Girl: I wrote Suck Penis Daily Forever to remember the order of the sublevels or whatever it is on my chemistry test and I never erased it.

--Barney's dressing room, Madison Avenue


Little girl on cell: ...Yeah, I like Spanish pizza best. I dunno where the Italians learned to make their pizza, but it tastes nasty.

--Bx36 bus


Mother: How did you get rice in your armpit?

--Joe's Ginger Restaurant ladies' room, Mott Street


Thug guy: Make this man his fucking sandwich before I smack your fucking lip.

--Bodega, West 129th & Lenox


Store chick: Why do we have so much coffee?

--Starbucks, 22nd & 6th


Guy: This food is awesome, it is fucking awesome!

--McDonalds, 6th ave and 22nd street


Guy: I'll eat a sandwich ham when I'm on the lam...Man, I've gotta start writing this shit down again.

--225th Street 1 station


Old man: A store big as this and they don't have no fucking Sugar Snaps...all they got is junk cereal.

--Pathmark, Atlantic Center


Guy: I'll have a six inch veggie delight on wheat. I can't wait for the war to be over, so I can have meatball again.

--Subway, 57th & Lexington


Chick: No, banana bread is a one trick pony.

--Starbucks, 14th & 6th


Guy: Do you think Castro is anti-salad?

--Sophie's Restaurant, Chambers Street


Drunk guy: I'm going to take you into the back and do some homosexual shit to you.

--Orchard Bar, Orchard Street


Drunk girl: I mean, I just think people are, like, the highest form of art!

--Chickpea, 3rd Avenue


Man on cell: Yo, so check it out. I was drinkin' Absolut Citron and shit, gettin' liquored up, girls be buyin' me drinks for my birthday and shit, and like my birthday stories are rollin'...YouknowwhatI'msayin'? Even when it's not my birthday, it's my birthday.

--47th between 2nd & 3rd


Drunk girl: This isn't like the eighteenth century...where everyone has psychiatric powers.

--2 train


Guy: I got a case of beer! I'm selling it for 20 dollars, that's a dollar a beer! Come on everyone, this is one hundred dollars worth of beer and you people are going to pass it up? I don't drink, motherfuckers, what am I going to do with all this beer?

--Tompkins Square Park


Drunk guy: You guys know what they did to King Kong right?...How
about Godzilla? Ah....I love everybody. Man, Thank god for beer. Hey, so I'm gonna try to play the gay guy, you play the straight guy...'Cause he sucks! Yo, yo....Can I make fun of you? Wait, is the next stop 14th Street? I gotta go down to Wall Street. I gotta meet Bloomberg, but I can't. I don't have enough money.

--4 train


Charity guy: You all know me...I'm taking money for people who got nothing. Even if you drop a dime in this can, that's enough. If you've got any food, just drop it in my bag. And if any of you ladies are attractive, I will accept a hug.

--F train


Hobo: Ladies and gentlemen, if you see a bag that has been left unattended please alert me immediately. There may be money in it.

--4 train


Bag lady: Why did you give me this?...I don't do drugs. I never will do drugs, they screw up your life.

--Times Square shuttle


Hobo: Miss, do you have a dollar so I can go home and spend it?

--Chambers between Church & Broadway


Girl: And it's so weird to ask Jews if they are German. I just feel weird doing it, because of the Nazis and all.

--Columbia University


Girl: Are there Jew stars on my back?

--Union Square


Suit: The whole Christian/Jewish thing whatever, but insurance versus no-insurance? That I can't do.

--Dekk, Reade Street


Guy: I feel like my mother's Jewish eyes are looking at me from every car.

--Williamsburg


Girl: What's that, an award show for the best billboards?

--61st & 5th


Guy on cell: Omigod, I just sidewalk-danced with a Gilbert Gottfried, how hilarious!

--23rd & 8th


Guy on cell: No, straight up...Man, fuck 34th Street!

--8th Street & 4th Avenue


Suit: I read that they're gonna be replaced by robots soon. A robot's not gonna complain about pension.

--4 train


Guy: Oh, uh, well, I'm the talker, see? I do all the talking and things like that. I talk a lot of shit and people buy it. I'm good like that.

--M60 bus


Man on cell: That sounds great. If I'm fired, I'll call you right back.

--7th Street & 1st Avenue


Guy: He should just go back to selling drugs in Colombia, forget about Wall Street.

--Times Square station


Suit on cell: Yeah, I'm going to a meeting, and I have no idea what the hell I'm talking about; I just wing it.

--N train

Cashier girl: ...We're going to overcharge you $17.83; will that be debit or credit?

--Whole Foods, Union Square

December 20, 2005

Man #1: ...Shit! Why did they have to strike during the winter? Right before the holidays, no less.
Man #2: Well, the transit guys need to get paid more and they need other things that I'm not too clear about.
Man #3: Fuck 'em! I don't give a shit what their problems are! Everybody has problems, not just them! They want more money? Well, then they should have thought about that before dropping out of high school! Bunch of lazy fucking losers!
Man #4: Hey, I work for the MTA.
Man #3: Well, then: fuck you, too!

--Brooklyn Bridge


Drunk guy: Just replace them with 10 lines of code: "If subway station, stop. Otherwise, go."

--Party, Pearl Street & Peck Slip


White guy: So when the workers strike and walk off the job, how do they get home?

--Loki Lounge in Park Slope


Tourist guy: Excuse me, can you tell me what to do if there is a strike? I wasn't here for the last one!

--86th Street 1/2/3 station


Woman: Is this the line for the LIRR?
Man: No, it's the line for free watermelon.

--Woodside


Hipster chick: It's not fair that the Jersey people still get a train. They should fix it so our train runs, not theirs!

--9th Street PATH station


Mom: What?...What?
Tween boy: That woman--
Mom: Nah, boy. You need to learn how to crack on people. Gotta be quick on that shit. You too late.
Tween boy: But--
Mom: Don't even try. It ain't gonna be funny. You too late.

--3 train


Chick #1: Is that the guy you were with last weekend?
Chick #2: Keep your voice down. And please don't remind me.
Chick #1: Why? He's not bad.
Chick #2: He's not even law school hot. I've so had to lower my standards for this group.
Chick #1: I've just started going out with Jewish guys.
Chick #2: Ugh. Please. We're only here for another year and a half...I can hold out.

--Brooklyn Heights


Waiter: May I take your orders, or do you need a few more minutes?
Guy: Um, we had a waitress come by and take our drink orders...
Waiter: Yes, well, I can take your food order if you're ready.
Guy: What happened to our waitress?
Waiter: She quit.

--Aquavit, East 55th Street


December 18, 2005

Teen girl: You know that dream I keep having where I kill you on Madison Avenue? I think it's coming true.
Mom: Oh look, the Chanel store!
Teen girl: Uh oh.

--Madison between 63rd & 64th

December 19, 2005

A little Asian boy sneezes without covering his mouth.

Black lady: Excuse you!
Asian mom: He's only 3, he didn't know any better.
Black lady: Haven't you heard of bird flu, motherfucka!

--M96 bus


Girl #1: I feel like shit. I think I've got the Asian Bird Flu.
Girl #2: Don't you mean Avian Bird Flu?
Girl #1: Whatever.

--56th & Broadway


Woman: Isn't it here in America?
Teen boy: Naw...it's in Japan. All these people be dying from it. Thank god Bush won't let it in the country.

--Associated Supermarket, Astoria


December 18, 2005

Teen girl #1: Hey, we could go as the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles.
Teen girl #2: Yeah, that's a good one
Teen girl #1: You'd only need a mask...They're frogs, right?

--Urban Outfitters, 72nd & Broadway


Guy: But you haven't been doing drugs?
Girl: No...Well, not really; I'm not sure what sucking off a drug addict counts for.

--Butler Library, West 114th Street


December 17, 2005

Girl #1: What do you think of Brad Pitt adopting Angelina Jolie's kids?
Girl #2: I don't get it, she doesn't want her kids anymore? She's just going to give them to him?
Girl #1: Man, you're an idiot.

--Coles Sports & Recreation Center, Mercer Street


Girl: God there are so many Chinos here. I hate Chinese people.
Guy: You're so dis...What do they call it? Racist! That's not a very good attribute to have, Christina.
Girl: The only people I like are Spanish people and white people.
Guy: I hope one day someone who's black and Chinese and...80 other races all mixed together bitchslaps you in the face!

--Canal & Lafayette


Girl #1: That's weird, they don't have any Tori Amos here.
Girl #2: Have you checked under "A"?
Girl #1: Why would it be under "A"?

--Virgin, Union Square


December 16, 2005

Girl #1: So I said I'm not sure if I'm gonna take his last name; it seems really old-fashioned.
Girl #2: What'd he say?
Girl #1: He said an engagement ring is old-fashioned, but I took that.

--Rockefeller Center


Conductor: Shit, I'll get nasty right now. I'll pull the brakes, see how they like that.

--1 train


Tween boy: So how's the strike going?
Bus driver: If there was a strike I wouldn't be here, you moron.

--M15 bus


Wife: Bill can't fly because of the wheelchair. He can't get out of it.
Husband: Surely there are planes with wheelchair access. We should ask for him.
Wife: Please, like he never asked himself? He just can't fly, ever.
Husband: That's not true. What do you think Teddy Roosevelt did when he wanted to go somewhere? He was in a wheelchair and he was the President so he had lots of places to go. Of course there had to be planes with wheelchair areas.
Wife: Oh, I never thought of him. You're right. We should really tell Bill about that.

--JFK


Guy #1: Yeah, I'm going home again next month. My parents are sort of obsessed with me because I'm an only child.
Guy #2: You're an only child? Oh man, I feel so bad for your parents. They are going to be so depressed when you die.

--Columbia University


Guy #1: Uno mas.
Guy #2: Huh?
Guy #1: Uno mas means once more. Don't they speak Mexican in Michigan?
Guy #2: Hell no.

--Office, West 28th Street


Girl #1: Do you think my boobs look bad?
Girl #2: No, not at all.
Girl #1: But are they, like, saggy?
Girl #2: No, they look good. But if you're so worried, why don't you start wearing a bra or something?
Girl #1: God, next thing you'll tell me to wear underwear.

--Telephone Bar & Grill, 2nd Avenue



December 14, 2005

Promoter guy: Comedy show! Tickets are free!...Come on, it's better than Scientology, guys!

--46th & 7th


Flyers guy: That's right, ignore me. Don't take the flier. Stay true to New York.

--Union Square


Flyers guy: Video phones are $10, but I'm free and single with a 2 year agreement!

--Astor & Broadway


Promoter guy: Tonight's show, get your tickets here! Get 'em here! This job sucks! Get your tickets here!

--Times Square


Man: I've got the perfect plan to take over Mexico.

--Time Square


Queer: There are so many hot guys at that club; then they turn around and you realize they're dykes.

--Penn Station


Guy: You should tell that AIDS joke at work. But tell it before someone with AIDS tells it because it'll be funnier when they say it.

--Union Square Regal Cinemas


Chick: Emily's eating disorder is so funny! It's like, I dunno, I think it has something to do with her dancing.

--Pratt Institute


Guy: I once hooked up with this girl who had diabetes. It was fucking awesome. Her saliva tasted like candy!

--Capone's, Williamsburg


Woman: ...and I don't care if you were unhappy, unhealthy, and addicted, it was more fun for me to talk to you over the phone.

--12th Street & 5th Avenue


Rasta guy: There should be a Sports Illustrated "Girls with Regular Clothes" issue.

--Gristedes, 26th & 8th


Chick: This wig is a dick magnet!

--Bellevue Bar, 9th Avenue


Skater woman: I haven't been here either. I had a baby...then I got divorced and now I can skate again!

--The Roxy, West 18th Street


Guy: You know where all the black squirrels are at? Over at Stuyvesant. It's like Harlem for squirrels over there.

--Tompkins Square Park

December 14, 2005

Guy: Do you have Bareback Mountain?

--The Strand


December 13, 2005

Guy #1: ...and then I came in and Anne was watching some gay movie with Keanu Reeves and River Phoenix--
Guy #2: Who's River Phoenix?
Guy #1: You know, Joaquin Phoenix's brother.
Guy #2: Joaquin Phoenix has a brother?
Guy #1: I guess...

--A train


Guy #1: Can you think of anyone who, in their prime, was hotter than Jessica Alba is right now?
Guy #2: Oh, yeah, totally. Like, Bridget Bardot, and Apollonia in Purple Rain.

--5th Avenue & 10th Street


December 12, 2005

Guy: I'm a NyLon.
Girl: A what?
Guy: A NyLon. New York-Londoner.
Girl: Oh, well, I'm a NoInt.
Guy: NoInt?
Girl: Yeah, Not Interested.

--Union Square


Girl #1: That place is so off the hook.
Girl #2: I totally need to go. What days is it open?
Girl #1: Yo, every day. Like 400 days a year.

--77th Street R station

Guy: It's cold as hell out here.
Girl: Why do people say "cold as Hell" when Hell is hot?
Guy: Do I know you?

--WTC PATH station


Black guy: Aah! Shit is cold! That's those fuckin North winds.
White girl: And you want to move to Canada?
Black guy: Yo, they got tight snowboarding up there.

--135th & Broadway


Queer #1: Oh my god! It must be freezing outside! Look how many layers that guy is wearing!
Queer #2: I think he's homeless.

--Lobby, Sullivan between Prince & Spring


Girl: See, New York City doesn't get windy because all of the buildings block the wind.
Guy: Actually, all of buildings create wind tunnels.
Girl: Is that why it's so windy?

--42nd & 5th

December 11, 2005

Hobo: How are you doin'? Do you need some money? You need a dollar or two?
Woman: No thanks, I'm okay.
Hobo: Okay, god bless you.

--Washington Square Park


Bags woman: Ladies...Gucci, Prada, Louis! Ladies...
Hot dog guy: Ladies, get your Gucci hot dogs here...Prada hot dogs!

--Canal & Broadway


December 10, 2005

Indian guy: Yo, I never told you I almost became a monk.
White guy: Shut up. You serious?
Indian guy: For real. I was this close. Before I applied for colleges, I checked out what you had to do to become a monk.
White guy: I couldn't picture you as a monk. You don't even go to church.
Indian guy: I know, right? I found out that they don't allow piercings so I never applied.

--6 train


Girl #1: I never realized how nice his back was until we broke up.
Girl #2: As he was walking away from you?

--Stuyvesant & 3rd


Girl #1: So, I've been thinking, I think I could be a lesbian. You know, get really really close with a girl. But I don't think I would want to hook up!
Girl #2: So...kinda like friends?
Girl #1: Oh yeah. I guess so.
Girl #3: So does that make us all lesbians?

--Times Square


December 09, 2005

Yuppie guy on cell collides with hipster guy pretty hard.

Hipster guy: Hey, asshole!
Yuppie guy: Watch it.
Hipster guy: I hope you have to watch your fuckin' children die!
Hipster girl: Honey, you really have to stop saying that to
people.

--7th Avenue & 13th Street

December 09, 2005

Girl #1: I saw this homeless girl on the street who looked our age and I felt so bad.
Girl #2: So did you give her money?
Girl #1: No, my nails were wet.

--62nd & Lexington


December 08, 2005

Guy: But I should get extra consideration since you named [Melanie] and [Alexandra].
Preggers: I did not name them. What the hell are you talking about? We named them together.
Guy: No we didn't. You came up with names and I agreed with you. You named them. It's my turn.
Preggers: Leave it to the white man to rewrite history.

--1 train


Lawyer guy: Don't worry about that, ma'am. We're gonna make sure you don't have to worry about money for a long, long time.
Hobo: Shit, you got some money? Let me hold a million dollars.
Lawyer guy: Ha, ha, ha! No thank you, sir.
Hobo: You ain't shit, nigga. Fuck you and your gay-ass hair. Where were you when I broke my leg, Mista Lawya?

--Dunkin' Donuts, Fulton & Nassau


Girl: I can't get food for you guys tomorrow. I have school. I am not
leaving school just to come here and get food for all of us.
Guy: You know education isn't going to feed you.
Girl: That's funny, because my boyfriend said to me last night that
education wasn't going to get me married.

--Office, Old Slip & South


Hobo: Stop! I don't want any money, I don't want anything. I just want you to look. You will never see this again in your life!

He points to a window sill where he has four quarters standing on their edges.

Hobo: Isn't that beautiful?

--Christopher & Bleecker


Guy #1: You know if you went back in time and saw yourself the world would explode and collapse.
Guy #2: No way, man. Didn't you ever see Back to the Future?
Guy #1: What? That's not real!

--27th & 7th


Guy: Can I just say, maybe Zorro shouldn't be the first American movie you see.

--83rd & Broadway


Little boy: Why didn't Harry Potter just take a shotgun and blow that guy's head off?

--Loews Kips Bay Theatre, 2nd Avenue


Girl #1: Shh! I can't hear what he's saying!
Girl #2: Bitch, you read the book already!

--DGA Theater, West 57th Street


Black chick #1: Girl, he so fine.
Black chick #2: Mmm...
Queer: Yes, we all know he's fine, but shut the fuck up!

--AMC Empire 25, West 42nd Street


Girl: So for the last half-hour of The Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants I couldn't stop crying. Then everybody in the theater turned around and laughed at me.

--Waverly & Mercer


Suit: I think you would really like As Good As It Gets.
Woman: Is that the one with Jennifer Aniston?
Suit: No, it's Helen Keller.

--75th & 3rd

December 07, 2005
Wednesday One-liners

Mailman: Hey man, my shift just ended so I can start walking faster now.

--70th between 2nd & 3rd


Suit on cell: Yeah, so doing coke while speed dating is a really bad idea.

--Madison & 33rd


December 06, 2005

Guy: Can I ask you a question...because you're so beautiful?
Girl: I'm not interested, thanks.
Guy: It's about AIDS.

--Mimi's Pizza Kitchen, Lexington Avenue


Girl #1: I can't believe how cold it got. And on my birthday of all days!
Girl #2: Well, in the weather's defense, it was cold yesterday too.

--15th & 8th

December 06, 2005


A couple walks by holding hands, a tall man and a short woman.

Chick: What's with the Wookie-Ewok love?
Guy: Dude, that's harsh.

--13th & University



Girl: Did you bring me my brownie mix?
Guy: No; where's that dude you were with the other night, anyway?
Girl: Who cares? He couldn't deliver the steel.

--Prince & Elizabeth



Guy #1: He's always dressed in Gucci, Versace, and all that shit.
Guy #2: Nigga, if I was skinny I'd wear nice stuff too.
Guy #1: Yeah, I'm sure it's your weight that's keeping you from wearing Gucci.

--Queensboro Plaza station

December 05, 2005

Hipster guy: Wax makes my hair too sticky, I like the mud better.
Hipster girl: I can't believe we have sex.

--Mott & Spring


Guy #1: With fiction books, if someone tells you the ending, it's like there's no point to them. But with non-fiction, you can know exactly what's going to happen and they're still a joy to read.
Guy #2: Man, you really should try getting laid sometime. Stop bothering me.

--Clovis Press, Williamsburg

December 03, 2005

Guy: ...And she had the nerve; she didn't even ask me to be her friend. She just sent me her profile!
Chick: Omigod, you should so send her a frowny.

--Columbia University


December 02, 2005

Guy #1: Would you like to sign a petition for the Marijuana Party?
Guy #2: Sure...So when's the party?

--Irving Place & 15th


Girl: Can I get a pack of Camels, please?
Cashier guy: Sure...Need a lighter?
Girl: No, thanks.
Cashier guy: Matches?
Girl: I'm all set.
Cashier guy: Receipt?
Girl: No.
Cashier guy: A bag?
Girl: Can I get the fuck out of your store, please?

--Duane Reade, 53rd & 8th

December 01, 2005

Guy #1: So my daughter saw me peeing the other day and says, "Daddy, what's that?" And I say, "Penis." And she's like, "Peanuts?" And I'm like, "No, penis!" And she's like, "Peanuts!" And I'm like, "pe-nis!" And she's like, "pea-nuts!"

Guy #2: Why are you holding your arms out when you say "penis"?

--Heartland Brewery, 6th Avenue

November 29, 2005

Promoter guy: Do you girls like comedy?
Girl #1: No.
Promoter guy: You telling me you girls don't like to
laugh?
Girl #2: Laughing is against our religion.
Promoter guy: And what religion would that be?
Girl #1: Mormon.

--Broadway between Bleecker & Houston

White chick: Oh, I've been meaning to ask you...how do you say "hello" in Korean?
Asian chick: I don't know; I'm Chinese, bitch!

--Starbucks, 44th & Broadway

November 28, 2005

Black girl: I didn't want to say this in there, but have you noticed how all Mexican men working in bars and restaurants look the same?
White girl #1: Well I bet they all think that white women look the same.
White girl #2: Well all elephants probably look the same to gorillas.

--West 3rd Street & 6th Avenue

November 24, 2005

Girl: So, I was thinking we could have a hick themed Thanksgiving.
Guy: What does that even mean?
Girl: You know, we could drink bad beer, and eat gross deep-fried food, and, like, rent hick movies and stuff.
Guy: "Hick movies"?
Girl: You know, like that Nicolas Cage movie where he lives in a trailer park, or that Hilary Swank movie where she's, like, a lesbian and stuff. Those are pretty hick.
Guy: That movie is about rape, and discrimination.
Girl: It'll be really fun.

--A train